i write my death on paper so i can feel alive

Sunday, June 27, 2010

She was fed up. If you had asked her with what in particular, she wouldn’t be able to give you the specifics. Whether it was a flaw on her part or if really was just that inconsequential, who knows. What we do know is that she had hit her breaking point and was done with it all. Done with her job, her so-called boyfriend, her family, she had just decided that she was done with life.

She walked up the steps of the tallest building she knew, slowly, calmly. Like I said, the specifics don’t really matter. It’s the same old story. She climbed the mountain towards nirvana, decided. Once she reached the top she took off her coat. She suddenly felt too warm. She walked towards the edge of the building and looked down at all the little people-ants. She could have been there for an eternity, it certainly felt like a lifetime. In reality, it could have been a mere seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, many lifetimes. Seasons could have passed without her acknowledging them. Her mind was set.

She braced herself, but then again maybe she didn’t. It’s not something you automatically know how to brace yourself for. But she braced herself as best she could, and jumped. Suddenly she had the grace of a ballerina and the agility of an acrobat that she never had in her life. She flew and twisted herself, her arms down to her sides and her head pointed downwards she flew like a projectile. Suddenly she was aware again. Time slowed down for her as if she was the only thing that mattered, she was the only one that had ever mattered. She realized just how vivid colors were and how beautiful everything was. She felt the tiniest breeze through each strand of hair, she saw each particle of dust as it moved, gently, quickly, out of her way, and she felt the air, the oxygen, the smog, everything as she breathed it in and made her lungs expand.

Then suddenly it came. It didn’t cause her any pain and somehow, somewhere in the back of her mind, she was grateful for it. But she felt it. She had twisted her body and aimed herself straight down for a reason, she wanted it over quickly. But she wasn’t prepared for the sensations that occurred. There may have not been any pain, but she felt everything. She felt her skull crack open and the jagged edges slam into her soft cushiony brain. She felt her entire face explode from the fall. She felt her arms and legs slap around without feeling, without bones. Maybe it was just at which the speed she moved, there surely had to be bones. Just as quickly as it came, it was gone.

She was gone. Like being born, like coming into existence, she was gone. Just as the world existed before her, it continued without her. Maybe some miniscule part of it missed her, but it was far too small and the world lived in a much grander scale to truly acknowledge her. She had come, done her part and had gone just as fluidly, effortlessly.

The point was that it was over.



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