Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I wanted to avoid updating because my life is in shambles. But it is what it is and it is my life.

I'm leaving tomorrow for Mexico and I'm fucking terrified. My head is such a mess right now that I'm convinced I'm going to die out there and can't seem to imagine the return flight because this is the beginning of the end and I still don't want it to end. But the what if's are pointless. I'm going to spend the entire time getting lost and photographing everything. I'm also scared of getting my camera stolen, so the majority of my shots might be film. Rather lose my $40 camera than the $500 one. I did get my new lens before the trip though, hooray.

I still have 3 rolls of film I need to get developed from the beach and random outings.

My mind isn't in the right place right now. I'm drowning in a sea of my insecurities and the list of things I need to work on as a human being are endless. I am not who I want to be at this point in my life. I am a caricature.

But I intend to focus internally and fix myself. I'm already taking the steps to get the help I need. I'm too anxious and I just cannot be proud of the things that I have done.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman



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